By Cat Brainerd (Guest Contributor)
twentyfirstcenturyart.com
The adoption community, like any community I suppose, is full of acronyms and terminology. If you spend any time on adoption message boards or forums, you will notice certain letters and phrases pop up again and again. Although it can be daunting, once you get the hang of it, it’s nice to feel “in.”
One such common phrase is “paper pregnant,” a term sometimes used to describe the incubation period between beginning an adoption and holding the child in your arms. However, this term most often refers to the initial slew of required paperwork. Although my only experience is with international adoption (specifically Ethiopia), there is no such-thing as a paper-free adoption. Who knew there were so many things to gather together and document?
Generally speaking, any two people can choose to physically make a baby. Obviously the success rate depends on a number of issues, but the field is pretty wide open if you wish to try. On the other hand, those of us who choose to build our families through adoption are required to prove our fitness both as parents and human beings generally. We gathered birth records, marriage certificate, social security numbers and passport information, medical records (physical, mental, emotional), financial records, education information, multiple letters of recommendation … and more. We were subjected to physicals, criminal background checks and fingerprinting. We met with a social worker not once, but three times. She viewed our home, inside and out, and interviewed our 5 year old. For the first few weeks, there seemed like endless items to verify, endless documents to obtain and authenticate. Fortunately, I am a major geek and somewhat enjoyed this part. These documents are typically provided to your social worker as part of your “homestudy” in which he or she gives their opinion as to whether you are capable of parenting a specific child or, more generally, a child(ren) of a certain age range and gender. The documents are also make up your “dossier,” which is compiled and sent to the country you are adopting from to support your adoption petition. For those families who are not pursuing a specific child, this is the point they usually wait for a child to be referred to them for approval/acceptance, known as a “referral.”
Now, I should back up to the “paper pregnant” remark. I am not equating the filling out of mass volumes of paper to the physical ramifications of losing your waistline for 9 months and all that goes with it. Trust me – I went through that twice, I understand the difference. But there are similarities. There may be no medical explanation for it, but I went through severe mood swings and hormonal issues while we were completing our adoptions (just ask my husband). Oh, the tears. And every expectant mother I have ever met is always anxious about their impending arrival for a host of reasons – the paper gathering process brings those feelings front and center as well.
As much as I disliked the physical aspect of being pregnant, I have always said that adoption is much harder. I think my non-adoptive friends might chuckle at me behind my back, but it’s true (at least generally speaking).
Consider this.
All mothers have these worries about our little one will arrive in the world safely and we wonder what s/he might be like… When you are physically pregnant, you are able to exercise some control over the situation. Generally speaking, you can eat healthy foods, exercise safely, take a vitamin and avoid alcohol and lunch meat and whatever else is on the naughty list these days. You have the satisfaction of knowing that you did what you could to support your child until the time he rests in your arms. And in the meantime, s/he’s safely tucked way in your uterus.
When a prospective adoptive parent is waiting for their child to join their family, they are powerless. Many of these children live in countries or circumstances that are not entirely safe and may not even have sufficient clean food, water or clothing. Even the countries and programs that put every effort into the care and comfort of their orphans (and many do) cannot provide the loving warmth of family. Caregivers move from child to child, comforting, quieting, and moving on. The quiet child often sits alone, unengaged. Not every cry is (or can be) attended to. Not every need met. Regardless of their age, they have already suffered the trauma of losing their first family. Even those too young to have concrete memories will carry that trauma with them in some fashion.
We all chose to build our families in different ways. It’s certainly not a competition or a game of comparisons. But there are aspects about adoption and pregnancy that align far more than I ever anticipated when we began the adoption process. And I came to know a feeling of powerlessness deeper than I thought could exist.
Whether your child joins your family in a hospital room or from an airplane, from the arms of a midwife or the arms of their birth-mother, the feeling of joy and relief is universal.
Have you gone through the adoption process? Please share your stories and thoughts below.
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